During October the people of the United States recognize and rejoice in the many accomplishments of generations of Polish Americans, or Polocks as they’re lovingly called in slang parlance.  Polish American Heritage Month celebrates the arrival of the first Polish Settlers in America at Jamestown, Virginia.  That’s funny right?  Hillbilly Polocks?  This explains much!  From the founding of our Republic to the present day, Poles have enriched, deranged, strengthened, befuddled, entertained and defended a Nation bigoted against them from the very start.  But they’re used to this.  They’ve been defiled so much, their genes so rattled, they’re immune to toxins, pain and epithets… even the women.  Don’t mess with a Polish woman.  She’s probably carrying a P-64.  

Millions of Polish Americans have attained great success in the arts.  They excel at refuse disposal.  And, despite the hand they’ve been dealt, they’ve flourished in select sciences and other specialized areas of scholarship, e.g.., tube meatery, ice creamery or (of course) entertainment.  They outshine most everyone else, except the Latinos, in factory work and manual labor as they hail from strapping, big boned-ed meat loving stock.

Speaking of which, they create fascinating pornography.  Not as fascinating as the Asians, but what they lack in ingenuity they more than make up for in weirdo aggression and recessive, bleached beauty.


A Polish American is a U.S. citizen of Polish descent for all you Polocks out there that need clarification.  There are an estimated 10 million Americans of Polish descent.

As a ‘nation’ with a truly unfortunate location, Poland’s glory days are long over.  They really haven’t had it together since the middle ages.  Sad.


At one time, the Polacks spent months and most of their National Defense Budget building the Great Partitions of Poland- which were originally conceived to keep the rest of the world out and their addled populace from wandering off.  After all, if people kept leaving the grievous place, there wouldn’t be anyone left to make us pumps or plunder their oil rich lands?  What could be worse than that?  The Partitions were constructed using found materials but mostly shit and straw.  When the precursor to the Immigration and Naturalization Service classified immigrants according to skin color rather than intelligence, net worth or sexual preference, no true Polish State even existed.  A culture demarcated by physical and metaphysical constipation, their bloat compounded with a vengeance further propelled by a lethal mixture of complex starches and quaint social morays.  Eventually, collective constipation built to such critical levels (after having been conquered so easily by nearly everybody including the Nazi Party and the Russians- twice) that the Polock National Identity was in tatters.  Contrary to their hopes and prayers, Poland was indeed LOST.  They hitched their Kielbasas to any other nearby nation that looked even remotely like it knew what it was doing.  Tragically, they were hypnotized by the Sparkling Cock of Capitalism, as so many are.  When they couldn’t contain themselves anymore, when their raggedy nation was at capacity and ready to burst, their three massively flimsy partitions melted in the springtime thaw unleashing the loudest, most plentiful Polish National Evacuation ever; this is seen most clearly in the context of Polish immigration to the United States during the ‘grey times.’  Unfortunately, the ‘grey times’ still haven’t ended for them.    It was in this long suffering spirit, sustained over the millennia, that more than one million DP’s immigrated to the United States- primarily during the late 19th and early 20th century- becoming Hillbillified by the hull full.  Exact immigration numbers are unknown, probably because they had Polocks in charge of compiling and preserving the data.  One point upon which historians agree: the brutes bred in a frenzy just like the herrings they slather in that horrible cream sauce and gobble by the bowl-full.  

According to the 2000 United States Census, 667,414 American 5 year olds were 200 times smarter than the first Polish settlers.  This, reportedly, is largely due to the fact that the Polock diet was/is/forever-shall-be for shit.


white food for very white people.  there’s no beating a BIGPOLISH SAUSAGE, DOE.  AMIRIGHT?  AMIRIGHT?

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