Good Morning ______!
Please conjoin me in welcoming Ms.Vasha DuGout as the new Executive Deflector for the Ohio Afreet Commission for Social Truth and Consequences. Ms. DuGout has a long history of bureaucratic malfeasance and brings with her some lethally aggressive experience as a “hatchet.” She has provided disservice to the public on local and federal levels and her brand of vociferous managerial extortion has certainly served her- if not others- well.
I would also like to take a nanosecond to thank you, who literally struggled like an amoeba in a toilet bowel to provide average to below average service to our public. Due to your retarded, subnormal lot in life- bless your heart- it’s the best that can be realistically expected, I’m afraid.
It is this kind of single-cell, non-aptitude that has haphazardly shaped our bureaucracy over the years, confounding and eviscerating the corpus of our public assistance/social aid process. While this may seem like a bad thing, and it mostly is, it keeps the public expecting very little from us. YOU are OUR excuse; thus, we do not have to rise to any occasion… the exceptions being lunch, break and quitting time.
So sorry and you’re welcome.
In the past, arguably 15-19% of our administrative decisions were based in reality. Since then, we have seen rates plunging into the .006786% range give or take five thousandths of a point. Initial employee complaints and urgent requests for remedy sat for months under stacks of unresolved inquiries and stalled claims. In some cases, these employee concerns lingered for close to three years, ignored at the bottom of a very dusty supply closet in a forgotten corner of the godforsaken 15th floor. Today, the OACSTC exhibits insignificant ability to administer social justice to anyone or anything, internally or externally, now and into the foreseeable future. In the past, our professionalism was measured by how we could pad and bloat and grow our asses larger without drawing the attention of the Inspector General. But, rest easy; any misgivings or concerns that might arise from the swamps of his murky consciousness can be easily allayed with one trip to the ‘maid cafe’ in Lower Bexley (thank heavens the IG has a weakness for Japanese schoolgirls in high rise uniforms). With this in mind, we look forward to the days when we may measure our professionalism in STIs, kickbacks and quietly lucrative settlements.
Can you imagine the impaction? How much blood have you been willing to give? As for your beloved administration, we’ve been really busy: you can tell by all the filth on our fat little hands, and this much is for sure… WE CANNOT DO ANY BETTER. So suck it up, and let me apply this ankle shackle before you get hurt…
Public service is akin to nature calling- first, we crouch down and grunt and strain and finally, after almost busting a blood vessel, out comes a mission statement which we’ve placed in a plastic baggie and keep in a small refrigerator along with the other “samples” we’ve collected from this current, pathetic batch of cabbage crotch kids. When forced to look at it daily- because, due to budgetary constraints, we keep our lunches in the same refrigerator- it reminds us of what douchebags we really are as we perform our doodys/duties; but, bi and really large, we are still taken seriously in the midst of this outlandish travesty. We will take it and run. Bam boom and thank you. The rest can be flushed.
What I really want to do is yank you into a dark alley and mine your body and soul for my own petty amusements, ultimately leaving your hollow mess for the street sweepers to clean up.
Much has been destroyed in the 14 years I have served on top of you at the Commission and much remains to be undone. I am proud and look forward to processing you into potted meat spread. Then you’ll be easily devoured by our Special Committee of Wayward Waddlers. Ms. DuGout and myself are overflowing and truly blessed as we serve ourselves by appearing to help others.
Oh. who am I kidding? Strike everything I have just said (except the part about making you into pâté) because on behalf of incoming Executive Deflector DuGout, YOU’RE FIRED. Now you can pick your nose at home instead of on OACSTC’s tab. Once unemployed, and more deeply sedentary than you were working for the State, our agency’s residuum will be able to freely metastasize throughout your body. Years of marinading in our stank elements introduced into your systems through our systems- from the ventilation, water, furniture, dining services, toilet seats, PC- will have done the job tenderizing your vulnerable tissues to a veritable paste, including your brain. You should just accept, in the final analysis, that we have become part of you. You are now solely an accretion of the Commission, like a prized veal, circumscribed for decades by a foolproof electronic logging system tracking your desk activity, and, under the influence of the narcotic illusion of security and entitlement that we’ve spun before your hungry eyes, you won’t have any idea that our corrosive ethical runoff has seeped into and gained control of your bloodstream as you sat there, clickity clack, getting carpal tunnel and gunt jam. When your meat is the most marbled, underused it ever was… and despite the fact that it’s advanced beyond a truly delectable age… you will be ripe for harvest. We will know you’ve reached full maturity as you sit, fused to your couch before a flickering, eternal ESPN CNN loop feed. We’ll dispatch a squadron of techs from the Department of Sanitation who will fastidiously scrape your mouth-wateringly saftig loins and shanks from those crushed cushions before sending you to our rendering facility on Frank Road for final processing. Trust me, you will make a delightful amuse-bouche: the perfect spread to go on Ritz crackers, at the executive luncheon this fall. Should this alarm you, please don’t fret: some of our off shore connects can forge your bones into drink stirrers, toothpicks and/or party favors, so nothing of your former body- that you cared so little about until now, possibly- will go to waste. Enthusiasm for this event has been overwhelming as evidenced by the massive treasury ejaculation into my open and willing coffer. Think of it this way, you will ultimately be more useful in these capacities than you have ever been drawing breath!
So sorry, and you’re welcome.
P.J. (Pajama Man) Gamblin, Chairmmando
Ohio Afreet Commission for Social Truth and Consequences
Building 26, Level 39 1/2
505 E. Broad St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215