There’s only one man in Frankling County that can fulfill the many rolls and functions of THE CLERK OF CLORTS. Remember Bonar on election day. That’s R. Davenport Bonar. His proven efficacy at removing the stains of ‘PATSY POLITICS’ from Frankling County’s woolies is unmistakable. His smile, among other things, is infectious. And his family is honest and fully posed for the future. His wife, Bebe, is on the Rotary and it shows! His two children, Chocolate Fantasy and Jacker Blue, enjoy a strict curriculum at the Blenheim Youth Guidance Center. For a few hours, the whole family attends the Universalist Unitarian Church on Saturday evening, but then it’s back to boarding school for the kids and a busy campaigning schedule for the adults. The life of a career politician is a life of plugging with polls. Some say a life in politics is dirty and wrong, but to R. Davenport Bonar it feels so right.
It is true that R. Davenport Bonar is relentless when he needs to be, but, HE CAN REALLY KISS A BABY ON THE TULLE! For example, in his favorite season, the spring of the year, he does his signature tour of the area’s playgrounds pitching proud tents of goodwill as he goes; he wants the people to know the children are in good hands. For each tent he pitches a child will be saved.
Bonar has also, on his own time and expense, scoured ‘the undercover beat’ in hotbeds of high drug traffic, cock fights and human auctioneering to protect the surrounding neighborhoods and ensure fair pricing. With tears in his eyes, he explains: “I’ve had to shoot a lot of smack, get the shit beaten out of me weekly and rub unmentionables with a lot of godless heathens to serve justice. Why, this one time, I had to do a battery of the most shameful, degrading things in front of a gang of hardened murderers to ensure that a dozen at risk children wouldn’t be filmed and farmed. A proper person would expire from horror if these details were even whispered to them. I’ve been eating foods so horrible, and punching so many holes in my stomach with UDF coffee that my gizzards are completely locked up, but the payoffs are so sweet. When I handcuff some punk and bust his brownie to smithereens, I feel my pride swell beyond all recognition. Feel that pride swell with me, won’t you? Feel it swell on November 6th at your poll.”
He worked his way through law school embalming bodies at his family’s funeral home in Ravenna, Ohio. That’s where he learned to apply make-up with the flair of a very sensitive artist; to this day, he does his own. “What… are you kidding me? Trust this face to an amateur? It’s like trying to apply powder to a relief topographical map!”
His get tough attitude on fat cats with pretty young wives and the poor will make your buttons pop clear across the room! If you want good old pull-yourself-up-by-your-own-rope leadership, then R. Davenport Bonar will snap you to attention.
“It’s my job to run with thugs in order to keep you safe. If you vote for me, I’ll let all the crime and filth of the streets run into me. After I drink several bottles of different things, I’ll chug the castor oil of justice. Only then can I pass all of the sin of this city through this x-tra large belly of mine; I promise to digest it, turning it into a rich fertilizer that will grow a valley of condo-malls inhabited by the most downwardly skilled and helpless citizens! Frankling County will again prosper under my opposable thumbs! Let me be your ‘giant of comfort,’ your man to make it right side up! I been out on these cliché streets sucking in the pollution of a thousand exhaust pipes, building my energy to scrub Columbus’ filthy underbelly sparkling clean like it never has been.”
Bonar is hanging to the right.
Bonar is stiff with hard criminals.
Bonar is full of the oil.
R. Davenport Bonar for CLERK OF CLORTS.