A Pollyanna Life

Other than successfully coming out of this fourth surgery, with Dr. Dow extracting another impacted paper product wad from his gastric sleeve, it’s a Pollyanna life for Jerzy ‘Glitternuts’ Gurvitz.  But, now, he has a fresh, new outlook.  This is no different than how he’s felt after his other surgeries.  But, is he going to honestly make some major changes for real, FOR REAL, FOR REAL this time?  You bet.


But, not until he has a little snack.


Just the corner of this napkin that they made the mistake of placing on his tray.


Just a little rolled up ball of it; no big deal.


Yes… he compulsively gobbles facial tissue.  And Bounty Paper Towels.  And succulent Mardi Gras napkins.  And toilet paper of all kinds, though his favorite brand is Cottonelle because it has substance.  It doesn’t just dissolve on the tongue like some others do.  Sure he could choke down some Value Time 1 ply, but Cottonelle was a gourmet nosh.  One roll for the bathroom, two rolls for snacking throughout the day.  His habit.  Don’t judge.  He hides this behavior because of judgmental people like you who eat all kinds of crap that’s probably a lot worse than Kleenex… like chicken.  Blechhh!   Yes… he’s a vegetarian… except for his fingernails.  He eats his nails, too, but only after boiling them to get them soft enough to swallow without scratching his esophageal lining.  Sometimes he wraps his jellied nail pairings in a tasty envelope of floral print bathroom tissue (his favorite).   He savors them like some folks would a Werther’s.


Just because he has quirks doesn’t mean he’s an unrefined, uncultured cad.




After he swallows the pilled paper, he looks down at the napkin with the corner torn off. Then he looks at his cup of pudding (?) and the grey creamy stuff (?) they put in front of him. Institutional food. Their disposable serviette has more flavor.


He furtively glances back at the napkin.  Just one more square… then he can wean himself off… slowly.  Not a deal breaker.  Tomorrow he can start the long road to recovery…


… after just one more little bite.


Greedily, he stuffs the entirety of the napkin in his mouth just as the nurse enters to take his vitals.

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