It’s that time again. I shall resume generalized servicing and that pre-emergence treatment on your rebellious Butterfly Bush (I believe you requested this the last two years and saw those major results, so, you should know what your sassy, mature Black Knight likes by now). He sure is a beauty when he’s properly tended. And the smell. As I remember, you couldn’t keep your nose out of him. His long, thick, purple panicles have been looking a little flaccid and exceedingly sad the past few weeks, though. I’ve been assessing everything as I drive through the neighborhood. Anyway, we definitely need to trim the Bongrass and Russian caretaker in the back yard as well as that Nappy Thatch of Sharon standing along the neighbor’s fence. We didn’t get to the trimming last fall because of those issues you were involved with (wink wink). If it’s inappropriate to trim anything in particular due to the nature of the… the thing, I’ll let you know. My thing is your thing, after all.
Thanks, and we’ll be in SG this Saturday if you want to drop by. Feel free to wear your CFMPs or your OTSBH. Otherwise… should your plant wilt, call me, I’ll be waiting.
Just touching base to see when you want to schedule your initial cutting, slashing, scorching, digging, plundering and seeding? This earth is becoming so barren that it could use some primitive cultivation, and I recently got my certification in Primal Permaculture. Can you believe it? Well, it’s a thing, believe me. And what a great thing it is. I so want to show you mine. Mine is ALWAYS ready and WILLING and you can summon me ANY TIME. I don’t want it to get ahead of us again. But by the same token, I don’t want to put any of it behind us. I mean it. I hear your crab grass calling, your Rockspray Cotoneaster aching for attention. My body is on the brink of response. I need your guidance.
Sorry to have missed you at SG. It’s so unlike you to no call no show. You must really be busy with your investment firm! Maybe you could give me some more inside tips. Any tips at all.
Thanks… and EAGERLY WAITING!
Ok. Not trying to be a pain or anything, but I’ve got to get my schedule worked out for the heavy season ahead. Man, it seems I’ve become quite the go-to guy in our little part of town. Your friend Michelle Bellows hired me and mine to do some loading and seeding. She’s a great, dynamic gal and got to talking about you. It seems that you two have quite the history! She had a lot to say, I must admit. In fact, some of it bordered on T.M.I. Ha ha. Other than that, it was definitely polite and she enjoys displaying things. But, that’s not why I’m writing. I’m thinking that my previous emails got swept into your spam folder and or deleted accidentally. Just to make sure we’re not passing shits in the night, I’ve also tried your cell a few times and put some of my flyers in your door. You’ll pardon any redundancies.
Are you trying to send me a hint? What’s happening here? All these years I’ve been your lawn care professional, all these years nurturing your exterior flora as well as ministering to your interior fauna through the beauty (and alchemistry) of nature, and this is how I’m treated? By not being treated at all? I know you’ve been around. I notice you had a hot date the other night; a fine, twenty-something lady over for dinner. Hope you had fun. Really. Meanwhile, your Daylilies look like a leper colony. I can fix it. You KNOW I can.
Dear Paolo Rojas III, Presidente Tomas Thumb Landscaping,
Sorry it took a minute to get back to you. I have been out of town and my nephew has taken over yard duties. He needs a leg up and I feel a sense of obligation to him. It seems that, between he and my son, they’re doing such a great job, I’ll be using them both this summer to keep up with the rigors of these exhaustive gardens. I appreciate your ongoing interest and will notify you when and if the need arises for your services again. Best of luck in your future endeavors.
Geoff Mitserlis, CEO Broham Investor Group
So formal, now. So that’s how it is? Your last communication was a little ambiguous, so I’m contacting you for clarification: will you, or will you not, need my expertise in perfecting your grounds in future???! Because if you do, I cannot be responsible for some amateur landscapers’ blunders in the interim. In the long run, I think you’ll see that this is a graven mistake. Consistency is the key to results. Good results. Not so-so results due to some school-age boys’ inability to think about anything other than their nutsacks or the dumb glare of Friday Night Lights. I mean, I’m sure they can perform for you adequately… I’ve watched them. They’re big, good looking boys who spend a lot of time on their phones while they’re supposed to be focusing on your yard. Do they do all the little extras you’ve come to depend on from me and my crew? Do they? Well… if so… I should have you arrested. But, because I have no proof, I’m trying to appeal to your sense of brand loyalty. Can we be civil? The tone of your letter belies some sort of superiority complex and now I’m wondering where you get off coming on like this? You don’t act like this when I’m widening your post-hole or polishing your bell and mirrored balls. Your boys, they cut some corners. And by the way… your gardens and lawn only looked good because I went behind the boys and did all the finishing work that they were in too much of a hurry to complete. Those vines by your bedroom window were getting out of control and I spent the better part of Saturday night pulling those out and resetting the soil. Because I want to have your business, the invoice you’ll be receiving for these clean-up services reflects a deep discount. A sign of my continued appreciation.
Yours in Shrubbery,
Seeing as our account is past due, and my on-going efforts seem willfully unacknowledged, I feel it necessary to send this formal notice to you via certified mail. You are now two (2) months in arrears for payment on account #544. According to my records, invoices 727, 852 and 878 are over 30 days outstanding. In case you don’t see the justifications: your beds needed aeration, your median needed serious TLC (first impressions of your yard start at the median) and those god-awful Hostas your ‘nephew’ half-planted around the oak in the back needed to be completely replaced! The new Japanese Maple by your porch is cute and all, but those teenage dipshits planted it too deep, so its roots can’t breathe now, which is why I had to rip that up and replace it, also. I know these latest charges seem a little steep, however, you’ll be thanking me when your entire yard comes back to life and knocks your perfect, veneered teeth out in the spring. Listen… a little respect. That’s all I ask for. You think that an increased patrol around your neighborhood will deter my beautification efforts? You’ve got another think coming, my friend.
Mr. Paolo Rojas III
I READ THE MESSAGE YOU BURNT INTO MY LAWN, YOU S.O.B. HOW’D YOU DO IT? SALT? BLEACH? THANKS FOR USING THE C WORD TOO. REALLY CLASSY. THIS IS A QUIET, RESPECTABLE CUL-DE-SAC AND THESE GOOD PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO READ YOUR DEPRAVED HATE MESSAGES. AND, YOU CAN CEASE AND DESIST WITH THE NUMEROUS EMAIL MESSAGES IN THE THREE ACCOUNTS YOU’VE ACCESSED, ALREADY (LIKE, TO THE TUNE OF 350 OVER LAST WEEKEND ALONE). I GAVE YOU MY BUSINESS EMAIL ADDY, BUT I’M NOT QUITE SURE HOW YOU TRIANGULATED MY OTHER PERSONAL ACCOUNTS???? 1200 EMAILS BETWEEN THEM! REALLY? WHAT PART OF NO RESPONSE DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND; ARE YOU BRAINDEAD OR SOMETHING FAR SCARIER? IF YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, I’VE BLOCKED YOU ON FACEBOOK, TWITTER, INSTAGRAM, GOOGLE PLUS, SNAPCHAT, GRINDR, TUMBLR, PINTREST, TINDR, FETLIFE AND EVEN THAT WARHORSE MYSPACE. HAVE YOU NOTICED? I FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO BELIEVE YOU HAVEN’T. THIS EMAIL ACCOUNT AND THE OTHER TWO YOU’RE JAMMING WITH HAM… HATE SPAM… ARE NEXT TO GO, AND HOPEFULLY WE’LL BE DONE HERE? TO BE QUITE FRANK, I’VE FOUND YOUR SERVICES (FOR THREE SEASONS OFFICIALLY AND THIS PAST YEAR AND A HALF ILLEGALLY) TO BE SEVERELY LACKING, WITH MOST OF YOUR CREW’S TIME SPENT IN SHAMEFUL DISPLAYS OF INDOLENCE AND SELF-GRATIFICATION… AROUND MY POOL, IN THE SHED, SOMETIMES IN MY BASEMENT OR IN MY SON’S ROOM WITH MY SON NO LESS. YOUR EVIL KNOWS NO BOUNDS, MR. ROJAS! Yes… I admit to also being sucked into your landscaper games of pluck, dig, plant and seed, but all those times were mistakes; I made that clear. PERFECTLY CLEAR. But you wouldn’t know that because it was written on official letterhead and sent certified post and YOU NEVER SIGNED FOR IT. YOU’RE A CRAFTY MOTHER, MR. PAOLO ROJAS!
QUITE FRANKLY, YOU AND MICHELLE BELLOWS CAN GO FUCK EACH OTHER. THAT TRIFLING HARPY HAS NO BUSINESS SPEAKING MY NAME AND SPREADING HER OWN BRAND OF TOWNSHIP TABLOID CRAP. MY LIFE HAS IMPROVED MEASURABLY SINCE MY DISMISSAL OF HER AND YOU CAN TELL HER THAT NEXT TIME YOU FERTILIZE HER PATCH. FYI: SHE HAS A DOUBLE-HEADED AX TO GRIND WITH SIMPLY EVERYONE, SO IT’S JUST A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE SHE TURNS ON YOU. ENJOY!!!
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY LAWN IS FINE. WELL, I GUESS IT ISN’T SO FINE NOW THAT YOU’VE USED IT AS A POST-IT NOTE. WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERS GONE? WHY ARE ALL MY SHRUBS BALD? WHY ARE BIRDS AND BUTTERFLIES FALLING FROM THE SKY OVER MY HOUSE? WHERE ARE MY ONYX GAZING GLOBES AND THEIR “MOON MAN” HOLDERS? WHO CRAPPED IN MY WINDOW WELLS AND WROTE MORE ILLITERATE PROFANITY ACROSS MY SIDING IN B.M.? BELIEVE ME, IT’S YOU WHO’S GOING TO PAY TO HAVE MY ENTIRE LAWN AND GARDEN RESURRECTED BY SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOU. IT’S ALL SO FAR GONE, I DON’T EVEN THINK JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF COULD BRING IT BACK TO LIFE. ONE THING’S FOR CERTAIN: I WILL FINISH YOU FOR RUINING THE SANCTITY OF MY GAZING GLOBE MEDITATION GARDEN, YOU SHIT KNOB.
I WILL NO LONGER TOLERATE YOU STANDING IN MY FLOWER BED, TRAMPLING WHAT LITTLE LIFE REMAINS THERE, TO TRY AND SPY ON ME THROUGH MY BLINDS. THIS IS NEVER APPROPRIATE AND IS EVEN CREEPIER AT 3 OR 4 IN THE MORNING. YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I CALLED THE SHERIFF AND REST ASSURED I’VE LAWYERED UP. I’m sure you’re well aware that I’ve not been sleeping at night due to the high incidence of incidents perpetrated upon my lawn and gardens in the small hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’ve heard your insane and barbaric rationale for early morning lawn care… but, NEWSFLASH! my neighbors don’t want to hear leaf blowers and lawnmowers at five a.m. NOT TO MENTION, YOU HAVE BEEN ADMINISTERING “LAWN CARE” TO ME WITHOUT PERMISSION FOR THE PAST YEAR AND A HALF. I WASN’T SURE WHAT WAS GOING ON AT FIRST, BUT AS TIME WENT ON I SAW MY GUYS WORKING HARDER AND HARDER WHILE MY LAWN (AND ATTENDANT FOLIAGE) DIED FASTER AND FASTER. BUT THEN YOU GOT BOLDER. IF YOU HADN’T, I DON’T KNOW HOW I WOULD’VE EVER FIGURED IT ALL OUT. SO… THANKS FOR THAT????? I GUESS.
BUT REALLY, ROJAS, GO EFF YOURSELF!
I DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS YOU’RE RUNNING THERE, BUT CONSIDER THIS A DISSOLUTION OF ANY TYPE OF AGREEMENT YOU MIGHT IMAGINE US TO HAVE. I PRAY YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED BEFORE YOU WIND UP RESTRAINED IN A VELCRO BURRITO. IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY, YOU’LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER, ARTHUR J. WESNER, who is wholly competent to DESTROY YOU, should you decide to pursue your current courses of action or decide to go delinquent on the payment of the MY repair INVOICE that’s forthcoming. I MEAN EVERY WORD OF THIS. STAY AWAY FROM ME! SERIOUSLY DUDE, I COULDN’T BE ANY MORE DIRECT: GET A LIFE AND GET OUT OF MINE!!!!!!