In our nationally time-honored tradition, here’s a little bogus food history for all you KRAUT-O-PHILES and MOTHERFUCKIN FOODIES out there.  BE WARNED!  Everything is bullshit, especially the links.  I say this in the most general sense.  From Wikipedidag, the free (you get what you pay for) encyclopedidag:

Braunschweiger (named after Braunschweig, Germany) is a type of liverwurst (pork liver sausage), which is nearly always smoked in a very dark place.  Sure… it’s soft… it’s pink… it’s like a log of rolled dog food: the bastard stepchild of tube meat.

Are you hungry yet, sweatheart?

HERE YE, HERE YE… THIS IS THE GOOD PART… this here’s Real Talk about Conglomerate Lunch Meat:  Braunschweiger is very rich, and has a very high amount of Vitamin A, iron and protein, not to mention testicle, snout, and tongue- all very noble parts.

How do they get that stuff to be so creamy? 

For casual use in most households, it is better to buy a small amount, since Braunschweiger spoils quickly. About a week after opening, the meat will change from a fresh pinkish color to a dull gray, and will then begin to turn green. If it is not consumed quickly after it first turns gray, the Braunschweiger is no longer edible and should be disposed of immediately, or donated to the nearest drop box.

The meat has a very soft, spread-like texture and a distinctive, liver-based, very soft, spread-like flavor. It is usually used as a filling for soft, spread-like sandwiches- very soft,  nearly pre-digested- often paired with stone-ground mustard, a mess of onions, sliced tomatoes and spread-like cheese. There are also a few recipes for spreadnready pâté and soft cheese balls which use Braunschweiger as a primary mushy ingredient.

Because of its teutonic name and strong soft, spread-like flavor, in the United States Braunschweiger has become a euphamism for, and is often used as a softly humorous reference to, the potted meat quality of American culture. For example in his 1993 comedy Last Action Hero, Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s character, Jack Slater, refers to himself as “famous comedienne Arnold Braunschweiger,” this is a double joke because of the actor’s heavily preserved pork content and the concept of a “body builder” as an entertainer who turns to paste on the tongue (or in the eyes, as the case may be).  Is it a mere coincindence that he married Maria Schweiger?  I SHOULD SAY NOT!

CHECK THIS OUT:  IF (Inflammation Factor) Rating– for OSCAR MAYER, Braunschweiger Liver Sausage (PROFESSIONALLY sliced using the AUBA standard of meat slicery) For 1 serving (1 slice and we can’t emphasize this enough) (28g) = mildly anti-inflammatory!  

But what does it all mean?  You may ask if you weren’t finna shut this down and go look at porn.

Well… it may mean this:

It has a 15IF Rating!   AND GUESS WHAT?  That’s great news for you unique and sensuously inclined Braunschweiger lovers! Eat as much as you want!

Braunschweiger contains NO GALACTOSE (for all you soft and spread-like Star Wars geeks out there).

I have personally conducted the following tests on a single, available and unsuspecting loaf of Braunschweiger.  My process was extremely professional as I wore a lab coat the whole time; I kept a calculator in my pocket just in case.  Oddly enough, I never had to use it.  I even turned on a strobe light because I didn’t have one of those electrical current doohickeys or a screen with a line on it.  Those of you lab-rats out there know what i’m talking about, here.  For the rest of you, I’ve broken it down into lameman’s terms: NDs Opinion=tastes like liver and face, smells slightly like fresh anus wrapped in garlic infused bologna, Completeness Score–= this is nature’s perfect food… Germany is never wrong, Fullness Factor–= after eating a whole log I wasn’t hungry for half a week, Rating= I give it a 15 on a scale of one to seven.  Estimated Glycemic Load (eGL)= modesty prevents me from discussing this one.

That’s all for now, stalwart dreamy-eyed pork admirer!  I bid you- skip hence, and use your Braunschweiger as casually as your imagination allows!  Enjoy!

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