AS POSTED IN THE WEEKLY NEUROSICRUCUAN: TRANSCRIPTION OF REVER-END DURBAN MOFFER’S WEEKLY RADIORANTRALLY DURING THE GREAT ELECTORAL RACE TO END ALL RACE RELATIONS… CAMPAIGN 2016!
SCREW THE ELECTION>CUM WITH US!
Nearly a month has passed since the sign should have appeared in the sky. And now… last night… on the eve of the vernal equinox… We received Our holy instructions written across the firmament! It said: D. TURMP IS TH ONE TURE LEADER THIS COCK-EYED NATION DESRVS! spelled out in bright pink UFO exhaust. Obviously, they’ve heard the dour national statistics on reading levels and comprehension. But, We’re not really sure that the Heavenly Order of Spaceway Entities (HOSE) approved this particular message. We’re like ninety percent sure.
However, since no one else has stepped up to the plate, We’ll just take what We’re given. Even if it’s wrong.
We hereby give up this particular fight.
It’s a done deal.
HOSE has spoken.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE COMPOUND: We’re having an orgy with about 500 Native Americans and 300 assorted random disenfranchised and hang-dogged. Our immodest little festival has been going on for a month now, while We’ve been waiting for some sign or sacred message. Our barbaric rituals bear bitter fruit apparently. We have to admit it is a bit of a bring down. But, the Space Gods did a doody/duty and thus the earth was formed (you know the story… or do you?) and now here We are.
But the journey is just beginning, dear friend and potential concubine. All that’s left for Us to do is have fun and spread Our mixed messages.
We will bludgeon you with sunshine and maim you with tropical breezes. We are on the sidewalks of downtown shooting rainbows into peoples’ skulls at point blank range and riddling them with starlight from the rooftops. Some of them don’t know how to handle it so they get pissed off and go buy more gasoline and bogus gift cards… but we’ll keep spreading the deed seeds anyway.
We have found a love so great, a fulfillment so powerful and grandiose, that it is hard to describe to a mere mortal mind like yours. Allow for Us to paint you a picture in love-goo and cake batter… the currency of the common ape. Sweet sugary surprise. Then you too will know what it means to be made hole; a hole We’ll personally fill with revolutionary spiritual dumpings and home-squeezed, fresh juices. We would like to forge you anew from electric light orchestras and fill your heart full of true modern soul, replacing that crinkly shiny crap you’re using now. That’s soooo yesterday.
As you vocalize Our INDUSTRIAL CHANTS, you will bow down and raise up and bow down and rise up and kneel and stand and click and bow and kneel until your spiritual cavity is filled with the aforementioned ingredients. Then, in your dusty, squirrel-infested attic, the light will turn on and it will be time for some SPRING CLEANING. You will feel Our holy fingers gently spreading you open where your light, i.e. internal data, will be freed to shoot forth from each dastardly portal, up, up, up into clean, pure outer space. Once you are secured by means of a light beam so dense that it’ll feel like an elephant sitting on your chest, a team of ornery Archons shall analyze it, test and re-test and test some more before sending the abstracts to TERRACORPORATE (located in Columbia Falls of all places). Unfeeling robots- that look like fast food employees- will download a perversion of your already perverted data into one of their legion dead-faced killing machines. These machines don’t have their cyberfingers on ‘the button,’ because each of them IS a button… buttons in charge of deploying THE NEW WORLD ORGANIZATION’s true mission: a covert little ditty called Operation Hell on Earth .
The future shock waves will reverberate in every home, bunker and corporate stadium from here to Calimazoofornia.
Yes, this is what it feels like when, in christian vernacular, ‘the Holy Spirit comes on you.’ Yes, when the light consumes us all in a brilliant flash, you will be awash in salvation’s warm, soapy water as nymphs swim through your legs!
Right before the mervin griffon tears your head off.
But fear not! You are blessed and sanctified this day!
Now… read on…