I don’t usually engage in sending such emotionally “laxative” email messages…(the illusion of respect is a source of great pride to me) but in light of THE CIRCUS COMING TO TOWN, true and lasting “FRIENDSHIPS” are very difficult to construct and the good ones, if we’re being honest, require an investment of both genitals and alcohol…and… things can be… uhhh… so quickly spread without warning or time to capture last minute reflections of what we cherished as the best moments in them. So, in addition to A FINE HOW DO YOU DO! you can consider this a coded warning.
As my ‘special friend,’ the statements below may or may not apply to you in a specific way, but certainly may apply when reflecting on this overall ‘scene.’ With that, know that I value your wallet and would like to further enjoy your ass…
Be Blessed and Be A Blessing in Catastrophe’s Cassocks!
KING SEX PIG
1) No man is worth anything, and the only one who is, will never set foot on this planet.
2) If you love someone, put their least savory remains in an onyx box with their name etched into the top. Wrap it in dog-skin and bury it (chanting ‘nam myoho renge kyo’ backwards) in your back yard. After a lengthy solo ceremony of weeping, wailing and critical self-mutilation, throw what’s left of the friend (those pieces that didn’t fit into the box) and the dog (whose skin you used to wrap the box) on the barbecue and have a great feast in the name of your ‘loved one;’ invite new and old strangers who will drink and eat all the evidence.
3) Everyone sees your insecurities. Friends endure your insecurities. Best friends capitalize on your insecurities to make themselves look better. It’s all good.
4) If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn’t jump with them. I’d be at the bar looking to hook up.
5) Don’t flush, because you never know who is falling in love with your shit.
6) If you have the time to judge people, you have the time to convict them.
7) Be self-absorbed, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle against you.
8) It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone. But it takes a lifetime to have a child with someone, slowly tear each others’ hearts out and pay support. With all the bullshit coming at you, make sure that, while your running with your tail between your legs, you budget your time to GET TRUE AND LASTING REVENGE.
9) Herpes is contagious. You could start an epidemic!
10) Yesterday was boring, tomorrow is scary. Today is… uh… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. uh… what were we talking about?
Send this to everyone you will never forgive, and send it back to the person who sent it to you, just to show them that you will never forget.