Long ago, during the fifties when it wasn’t so hip to be queer, The Templar Accompli Centro Offrontum was one of the first Nationally Ignored Religions to reach around and embraced Gay America. More importantly, The Neurosicrucian Order recognizes and endorses the ideology that Inversion- a word that has woefully fallen out of fashion- is a natural response to overpopulation and an overburdened ecosystem. Ask any cultural scientist: they’ll tell you it’s true. But then again, you probably wouldn’t be well-served keeping that kind of company.

This year, however, we’re doing something a little different. We’re encouraging teen aged mothers, drug-addled dumbshits, ultra conservatives, ultra liberals, Tea Baggers, spongers, moochers, phonies, Supremacists of all description, mental defectives and the generally self-absorbed to bring their healthy children down to the Gay Pride Parade Route (starting at the intersection of Bored and High) and park them curbside or in the street with the tag provided, labeling them for pick up. If there isn’t a tag enclosed here, you may substitute a piece of white duct tape with the following information: a statement to the effect that you’re relinquishing your custodial rights over the child to the Neurosicrucian Order, Chapter 03, signed and dated as well as the infant’s SSN (supreme slave number), if it even has one. Tags are to be placed over the mouth for ease of initial transport and storage.

This, by the way, is probably the MOST unselfish thing you’ve ever done… a gesture favored highly by our Chairman, in His Divine Emissions. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back and have a drink. Oh wait, you were drinking already… I forgot. For your convenience, our Hole-y order has assembled an armed, trained militia of folks dressed in drag and S&M SWAT gear to collect your unwanted blessings. These Soldiers of Good Fortune will begin making rounds in select neighborhoods at approximately three (or after the bars close) on the morning of June 17th. We’ll be easy to spot in our official Templar motorcade: a fleet of doo-doo brown utility vans.

Please note HEALTHY CHILDREN ONLY! Boys encouraged. Those judged to be failing or defective- in any way- will simply be run over.

Afterwards, all collected items will then begin a journey of RetroEnemation by using our patented, multi-headed Inversion Immersion Program. Females will be separated, more or less, permanently from the males and, in the intake process, each will be held in an air conditioned series of cubicles until we can get our sprawling, gothically complex equipment set up. They’ll be cool while we drip-feed them a slurry of Ensure, liquefied Kale, MDMA and McDonald’s Shake mix. This is the formula to start building them up for an industrial strength future.

What does this mean in lameman’s terms? It means EXCITING CHANGES are afoot!

In the second phase, we’ll warehouse your left-behind critters in a bright, red room centered round a wall-sized plasma screen broadcasting clips (Mr. Rogers, commercials, snippets from beloved morality plays, i.e., Disney movies, family oriented sitcoms like The Cosby Show, SVU or Y&R) interpolating crime scene photos with those of different nuclear families engaged in modern activities: Mom gossiping on the phone whilst speeding along city streets or Dad fiddling about on the computer before mom gets home. The environment shall be one of COMPLETE SURRENDER AND CONDITIONING. There shall be colors, ancient symbols and sigils flashing subliminally everywhere their blooming eyes look. Trust me, our chemically altered corps of rigorously trained Ambiguation Specialists work round the clock behind the scenes. For this particular deployment, they’ll be setting traps, firing off handguns, screaming, flickering the lights or setting off flash bangs* at random intervals throughout the students’ day and night. Rarely will they sleep as there is much work to be done. These types of exercises condition raw human material against one dehumanizing and ill-conceived kultural norm by simply substituting another cooler one. This is a start. Then the real work begins…

After the smoke clears, one of the ways we calm our charges is by re-dosing and dunking them in warm salt water before placing them next to a Dyson fan to dry as white noise fills the air with a streaming electronic undercurrent of secret doctrine, martial arts instruction, useful scientific information and history. We’ll feed them the tapioca of Mythrax and his legions as they watch war documentaries, video aquaria and extreme hardcore XXX films. As soon as they can walk, they begin a strict regimen of military exercises. Boys and girls are cross-dressed until age ten, at which time clothing becomes optional. If all goes according to plan, these budding SPIRIT WARRIORS shall be conditioned to respond to their own genders and develop awakening feelings that may not even have existed had we not intervened. Praise His Emissionary Bottom! Boys shall receive compulsory and danktified Bone to Seat Tootelage years before intercourse with the opposite sex will ever be permitted (and only in a procreative or experimental context, of course, we’re not utter lunatics!). Girls will be taught the finesse of the strap-on and controlled breeding principles. When they’re finally turned loose, they’ll be able to make bombs using menstrual blood and housing built from other people’s garbage and tires. Their young bodies will be fed a strict diet of bison meat, marijuana, MDMA seasoned vegetables, whiskey and chocolate. Their bodies and minds shall be assembled into tools of pure Spare Change. As the hobos around the rectory here are fond of saying, “Just a little Spare Change can make a World of Difference.” These are but a few steps in T.A.C.O.’s highly flamboyant method. Our Holy-Bun Neurocratic Children’s Home located in our leaden underground city, Plohpea, will train them in the old ways but with a new twist. The rest? Well… that’s a terrible secret. Only when these CHILDREN OF TOMORROW have successfully completed the 12 year- 500,000 step- process/initiation will they be released as Homo Superiors onto an unsuspecting public to enact Mythrax Tuo’s Holy Work. There is much to do. There’s a whole cockamaime system out there needs torching. Some students graduate ahead of time. Many take 15, 20 or even 30 years to complete their course of study. Probably because they enjoyed the discipline and dishevelment a little too much.

Don’t cry for your forsaken children because, at the end of the day, they’re better off in our calloused, reprobate hands than in your misinformed, incompetent ones. Doesn’t knowing that now we can offer them a real life with a true purpose in our scatological Hole-y War… a life made of the stuff of your favorite movies… over the counterfeit one that you’ve been sold in bulk make you feel better? Your throwaways will spend the rest of their days in a mirrored psychedelic pluriverse of ambiguous delights with the skill sets of assassins but nearly supernatural abilities to compartmentalize. These prototypes shall fall directly under the auspices of hardened commandos, even harder whores, tantalizing nurse impersonators and scullery maids with five o’clock shadow, united in the fight to replace this mess of a civilization with something more meaningful. Certainly more visceral. You on the other hand have your corrosive jobs, that second mortgage, your tanking economy and… oh… well, you get my point.

As always, our Templars gladly accept HEALTHY– that really can’t be stressed enough– throwaways throughout the year on Wednesday mornings, in the shameful hours between 1:00 a.m. until 5:00 a.m in the rectory basement drop box (by the root-cellar stairwell).

*“Flash bangs,” or stun grenades, generate intense light and a loud noise to disorient people in the vicinity.