Isms for Your Schisms (A Chain Email Proposal #2)




  • there is no “u” in “come”!
  • people that use straws are healthier than those who don’t!
  • give buns not guns!
  • if you can’t give 110% then you shouldn’t give a damn!
  • bad habits spoil useful associations!
  • up with people, up with the planet!
  • a fat sack has no equal!
  • everything eventually turns either brown or black!
  • can-do attitude gets the bone boiled!
  • make it happen!
  • bake some bread, feed some people, smoke some grass!
  • enjoy life… eat someone out, often!
  • it takes a wise man to move a mountain, but it takes an idiot to really make things  happen!
  • push the pink!
  • hang a salami!
  • straws are for sick people!
  • go horny!
  • always signal!
  • some people enjoy figs, some enjoy pomegranates, some enjoy both… make room for everyone or PREPARE TO DIE!
  • wash your ass!
  • add two and two and figure shit out!




Really think about these, one at a time, BEFORE going on to the next one…

IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, especially the thought at the end.   IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD… JUST ADMIT IT.

  1. Falling in love with the idea of falling in love.
  2. Laughing so hard someone else’s face hurts for a change.
  3. A warm and golden shower.
  4. No lines at the supermarket, and a wraparound line forming at your zipper.
  5. A soft kiss below the belt.
  6. Getting good news from your attorney.
  7. Taking a slow, deep ride on a pretty, pretty pony.
  8. Your favorite song playing nonstop in your head until you have to bash it against a wall to let the music out so everyone else can enjoy it.
  9. Lying in bed listening to the gunshots and feeling a sense of relief that it’s not you… yet.
  10. Hot, loquacious bowels.
  11. Chocolate chasing.
  12. A pudding bath and a mojito.
  13. Giggling when there’s nothing funny.
  14. A good conversation leading to a soft kiss below the belt.
  15. Scratching your ass and getting glad.
  16. Finding a wallet.
  17. Laughing at yourself as you spend the money from the wallet.
  18. Putting the wallet back where you found it after wiping off all prints.
  19. Midnight prank phone calls that last until 6 in the morning.
  20. Running naked through carwashes.
  21. Laughing ‘til your sides hurt because that straitjacket tickles.
  22. Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful before administering a soft kiss below the belt.
  23. Seeing karma catch up to a self-righteous co-worker.
  24. Having friends with benefits, cash and prizes.
  25. Accidentally overhearing something that you can use to your benefit later.
  26. Waking up at 50 and realizing you still have a few years left to live your life the way you really want to.
  27. Your first kiss below the belt (either the very first or a particularly wet one).
  28. Making new messes and spending time with old ones.
  29. Playing with a new human puppy.
  30. Feuille de Rose and Cabernet.
  31. Eating at a buffet with your shirt and pants unbuttoned.
  32. H0t Ch0colate Banana Splitz Pts. 2, 6, 7 & 12
  33. Boozy road trips with guns.
  34. Practicing tying elaborate knots on a sleeping friend.
  35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger, then furtively slipping into a public restroom.
  36. Baking chocolate chip voodoo dolls.
  37. Convincing your friends to send you money.
  38. Holding hands with someone you want something from.
  39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change but that’s immaterial because, now, you’re middle aged and you want to bang them.
  40. The fact that they’re married, have several autistic kids and their life is a real mess makes it even hotter.
  41. Watching the expression on someone’s face as they open an elaborately wrapped empty box.
  42. Watching the sunrise through tequila goggles.
  43. Getting out of bed every morning and planning the systematic destruction of the office you work in.
  44. Knowing that there is somebody out there just like you… but uglier.
  45. Getting a hug from someone who smells like a doughnut.
  46. Saving a fart in an air tight jar.  (Which can also be placed in the aforementioned empty box for added style).
  47. Knowing you’ve done the right thing, no matter what society, the police, judge and jury say.


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