“I am a piece of the UBERTOOL …”

Knock, Knock

 

I knocked at ‘heaven’s’ door this morning.  And, after I stood there knocking my splintering knuckles raw for a week, Gog finally came to the door… looking very disheveled; he had sleepers in his eyes.  Then, he asked me, in a totally threatening and abusive tone by the way, “WHAT IS IT?”

And I said, meek as I could squeak, “Heathenly Father, please FEED and DIAPER the person I intend to e-pester with your message of trembling and sacrifice.  I aim to be your walking infomercial and I won’t stop until I’m fully ostracized from reality and eveyone I know is mummified by the molten heat of your stern love.”

Gog bared his teeth, which were streaked with dark sludge, and bellowed, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? I HAVE COUNTLESS TERRORISTS TO GUIDE IN MY NUMEROUS HOLY WARS AND MILLIONS MORE JEWS TO PUNISH, AND THAT’S JUST THE START OF MY ACTION-ITEM LIST!  I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR PETTY, SELF CENTERED REQUESTS, BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN PETTY, SELF CENTERED GOALS TO ACHIEVE!”  At which time he slammed his big, wooden door in my face and turned off all the lights.  Through the door and the darkness, he screamed, “TALK TO GABRIEL DOWN IN CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!!” Everything vibrated and felt like it was melting, pulling apart.  I realized in that moment that that I’d never find customer service in the black goo of this void.  So… I gave up.

 

If you believe you’re: receiving this spam’s message in error, misperceiving it’s intent, not making heads or tails out of these POTENT words, getting bored, finding a fart more edifying, beginning to question my spiritual rectitude, or positioning yourself to severely lash out, then, forward this nonsense to seven perverts and the one who initially burdened you with it.  By doing this you will have succeeded in irritating eight worthy people today.

 

Have a Bless’d week!