Have you been vaccinated against the 155,316,416,949 types of communicable diseases/viral pandemics we have developed especially for you in our fortified labs in Nofuck, Virginia? We hardly think so, because we haven’t released them all, yet. However, those life-altering vaccines we have flooded the marketplace with (those brand names you’ve all come to crave and love) have been exhaustively tested on our nation’s vets and now they are finally ready for widespread distribution. Rest assured, dear Patriot, we have all the bugs mostly* worked out.
Ohio reports more than 2,100 flu-associated hospitalizations for the 2017-2018 flu season, according to the Ohio Department of Health.
THIS IS GOOD NEWS, BUT WE CAN DO BETTER OHIO!
While compared to last year’s 369, this is an impressive increase of 470 percent, and combined with overdose deaths, which are at record HIGHS (pun intended) our great state may seem to lead the charge, leveling up in the Overpopulation Dilemma, we remain in shortfall. To the Real Decision Makers- in their luxe Bavarian bunkers and tacky golf clothes- the O.D. (pun, again, intended) is, at this time, of emergent import. Code red, if you will. While we do our best to poison you all with other states’ toxic garbage, you simply aren’t keeping up your end of the bargain. Until you, as TRUE BLUE OHIOUNS do your part to tie-off and shoot-up** (or pop a tab and feel fab), our Gods of Commerce will continue to sweat their milky grease beads and royally soil their Haggars. And, trust us, nobody wants this.
While our celebrated vaccine pushers claim their aluminum, mercury and formaldehyde laden concoctions help to protect you, your family and your community, and can generally be taken by those who are aged six months and older, they may not be telling you the whole truth, the partial truth or even a good-smelling lie, but, you can go ahead and believe them anyway. Because, this our story, which has become your story, and WE ARE ALL STICKING TO IT. Rest assured, uncertain citizen, the effects are more broad in scope and deeply profound than your public-school-educated, softcore mind can grasp.
For your safety, all effects are only partially revealed for only partial understanding. Believe us, the revelations of pure truth we could disclose (if you had the clearance) would probably kill you faster than any man-made plague we could ever cook up in Nofuck.
Guinea pigs enrolled in the Ohio Med P&P Plan are eligible to receive our full vaccine spa treatment, fentanyl pan scrub and radioisotope shower with no deductible, co-payment or co-insurance from our surety parasites once per plan year. You’ve never been pampered until you’re awash in our comforting antigens and sexy radiation.
For information about what the State of Ohio’s medical plan offers, such as where to get your 2018 INFLUSION SPA DAY or how to find an outsourced, in-network malefactor near you, including your doctor’s office, retail health boutique, holistic trap house or urgent idontacare facility:
• Visit your employee portal and massage it open using one, two then three fingers. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF BECAUSE AFTER ALL… IT IS YOUR HEALTH!
o Aetna Shmaetna
o National Anthem… so STAND UP MOTHERFUCKER.
o Medical Masturbation for Ohioans (with Quack’s referral and signed off by deposed state legislator- and spiritual trainwreck- Representative Wes Goodman)
• Call a random phone number and just start screaming about the state of health care.
Is it too late to get an injection from a professional of questionable accreditation, sobriety and moral integrity?
No. So go ahead and pinpoint your nearest Quack from the short list of localized Croakers provided. Do it before Flu season peaks as we will be chemtrailing the ever-loving daylights out of the Ohio skies from December through April (Ha! You just thought that eternal grey was simply naturally occurring cloud cover?). However, if you’re a real tardy tard (and statistics show us that you, more than likely, are), treatments and medically necessitated influsions will be available as late as August. All the nincompoops are doing it, and they’ll be the first lemmings off the cliff. Join your fiends and neighbors: don’t be left behind! Our disclaimer is that most vaccines contain dead, weakened or unpredictable flu viruses, but it’s your choice whether to bite on this bait or not. Sure, you can choose not to get with the program- go ahead and risk social ostracism and public censure, we don’t mind! You’ll eventually cave.
Two weeks after being vaccinated, your immune system will begin operating like never before. You always wanted to be like a genetically altered super hero, didn’t you? Think of it as your second or third step in this kind of ‘fantasy process.’ You don’t remember it, but you took your first giant leap as a helpless babe, awash in chemical cocktails, as your addled, invective spewing matriarch aggressively shat you out and into the frigid, semi-automatic arms of the medical/military/industrial complex.
Receiving our series of ‘Supervaxxes’ simultaneously increases, decreases and exacerbates your risks of getting the flu or other ‘specially classified conditions’. For your convenience and our data based, a 24 hour hotline has been established for just such fascinating occurrences. We’re not bragging when we claim that our new Supervaxxes are ‘bionic’ and kill most everything. However, they DO NOT protect against pregnancy, our improved, rebooted version of the clap or an act of congress. These viruses that cause our latest Designer Influenzas change every time we tinker with the doggone things at the Naval Medical Center at Sewells Point, Harvard or Plum Island. At these and other locales, our teams update vaccines before each flu season in order to introduce you to our flashy new strains. Say ‘Howdy.’
So, when get the flu, your numbers will be tracked through nanobots (included FOR FREE with your Influsion package) and added to our databases. That is, if your Quack isn’t too wasted to chart them accurately and key the results into the app.
Alternatives to inoculation are recommended because they still make the people that matter money.
Remember, the same steps you would take to avoid mental illness, distasteful tasks or social obligations are the same ones you will take to prevent yourself from getting or spreading the flu:
• Not getting too close to anyone;
• Considering staying home for eternity;
• Coughing or sneezing into an isolation chamber;
• Washing your hands for at least 8 hours, once every half an hour, using a mixture of 5 parts urine, 3 parts Drano, 24 oz. hand sanitizer and 1 gallon Jean Nate. An additional 5-10 shots of Bacardi 151 are recommended. Survey feedback indicates certain guinea pigs found strong spirits helpful before washing their hands in the mixture.
• Wearing nitrile gloves and a fine particulate mask everywhere you go.
• Covering the entirety of your world with prophylactics and heavy use of Lysol brand products.
Contact your handler/s if you have:
• A hard time sucking and swallowing;
• Croaking and whirling with extreme boredom;
• A fever for the flavor of a Bieber. This may include a pair of mirrored sunglasses, a rash of sores or selfies of swollen glands… and/or;
• Experienced more than 10 days of coughing up yellow or green nasal mucous that cannot be re-purposed into medicine or foodstuffs for the needy.
For more information about the flu, influsions, Flu Camp or flu interventions, visit the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s ‘Influsion page’.
Be smart and stay compliant! Because, in short order, you will face ENORMOUS pressure from all sectors in society to get on the needle, the pill, the regimen. You will see posters, billboards, adverts and non-stop subliminal cues to remind/guide you to submit to our program. Consider it your sacrifice/duty now for the future and, indeed, the future of our species.
*need more guinea pigs. congratulations!
**by using any of our wayyyyy-out-of-network providers, infiltrating your communities eventually if they haven’t already. These lower tier programs have been stultified and pre-packaged, of course, for your convenience and are as follows: Program A (recommended), Program B (highly recommended) or Program D (JUST DO IT!)