Reprinted from a pamphlet handed to me by homeless, former Ohio History teacher, Trick Swabb, who claims to have been fired from Southwestern City Schools on six counts of fraud, sixteen counts of pandering and a consensus of hostile revisionism. After serving his term in Upham Hall, he is now a camp counselor for a mischief of rats in Rhodes Park.

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Wapakoneta, Ohio is a small town located between two infinitely worse hell holes on Interstate 75.

It’s probably most famous for being the hometown of Astronaut Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon in the Apollo 11 landing. Apparently, he’s still such a hometown idol- even in death- that someone purloined his statue from their ‘Space Museum’! As if a space museum in Wapakoneta isn’t absurd enough.

Ohio Magazine named it “Best Hometown” in 2011 by a panel of folks on the very edges of extinction, if not sanity.

Hundreds of years ago, the area was home to many Native Americans and today the town still remembers their Indian heritage with a largely phony narrative meant to engender muted responses and/or feelings on the lighter side.

Originally, the Miami tribe inhabited the land, but due to the US Government’s exceptionally cowardly attacks and supernatural fire sticks, what was left of them cleared the area with their arsetraps on fire.

Almost as soon as the Miami tribe left, the strong (read: able-bodied) Shawnee tribe was allowed to move in and possess (read: work) the land. Shawnee Chiefs Blue Jacket* and Black Hoof built a famous Council House at the present site of Wapakoneta.

Many negotiations and trade took place here and it became a great meeting place for many tribes. At the Council House, some of the greatest chieftains of Indian lore assembled, got wasted, plotted uprisings and otherwise threw shade at the US Government in their native tongues.

Among them were Blue Jacket, Black Hoof, Tecumseh, Da Prophet, Little T, and many others. It was also at this Council House that the tribes were forced to give up their lives, their bodies and the bodies of their children. Generations present and future were conscripted, and the palefaces seized their immoral claim to the Northwest Territory (as well as Chief Black Hoof- and the measly tribe he had left- making them their own). Chief Black Hoof is credited for building the US Government’s settlement. This modest enclave- a word that gives it an undeserved grandiosity- eventually evolved into the underwhelming town of Wapakoneta.

His Shawnee name is “Catahecassa”. Today, Catahecassa maintains the dubious distinction of being the Shawnee Nation’s very first Uncle Tom- possibly the entire nation’s.

He fought at the Battle of Fallen Timbers and represented the Shawnee at the signing of the Treaty of Greenville in 1794. He busted his ass for these rich scoundrels and all he got was some pot-hole infested thoroughfare.

Catahecassa was convinced that the Indians had no hope against these weaseling settlers so he supported accommodation and peace and sucked a lot of white cock and encouraged all Shawnee to bend right over because the options were ‘so much worse’. He said this in a language that is nearly, if not utterly, dead now. And bend over they did, until some of them defected or were literally fucked to death.

Catahecassa expired in 1831, one year before the Shawnee got the hell out of the area because they were ‘sick of the shit and have been for a looooong time’. Or maybe it was one year after. Who really has the time or interest to find out? Certainly not the major textbook publishers! Some historians believe he was 109; others insist he was 116. But, nobody is saying he died at 88- or even ninety six. Who knows who Catahecassa/Black Hoof really was or what he necessarily did? One thing’s for certain, Black Hoof and his people probably deserve something more than a stupid looking street named after him.

If you even care… the name Wapakoneta comes from an Indian word meaning “place of white bones” as the bones of several mastodons along with a good number of not so cooperative Shawnees (and the palefaces that loved them) were found in the area.

However- being simple to the extreme- the local populous prefers the urban legend for the genesis of their town’s name. This fairytale states that Chief Wapa and his squaw, Koneta, governed the tribes and by placing their names together “Wapakoneta” was formed. If this is true, they were this nation’s first celebrity name hybrid. Truly cutting edge. God Bless America.

Some say there is the stump of a great elm tree along the river that marks the site where Chief Wapa married the princess Koneta. Others say it’s the stump where a select group of US Goverment officials repeatedly did their patriotic best to unofficially repopulate the town with half-breeds.

Businesses in the area still separate the names, using only Wapa or Koneta in the company name. They’re simply easier for the white tongue to pronounce when they’re split up.

If you live in Wapakoneta, first of all let me offer you my condolences, but, you probably refer to the town as Wapak and know it has a rich Indian history. However, I’m not convinced that there is a statue at the corner of St. Rt 65 and US Rt. 33 in St. Johns, 4 miles east of Wapakoneta, Ohio. If there is, it’s a monument so insignificant it doesn’t yield as much as one image in a Goggle search and doesn’t make it onto any of the Best Wapakoneta Attractions (LOL) lists.