An open letter to a dear long lost friend (for dorks by dorks… fdbd):

Dear G,

The last time you visited is still fresh in our minds and the smell of greazy hair and skin oil fresh in our noses.  There’s one x-mas gift (with your name on it) still left unclaimed under our scrawny and dying tree (that we gave the name of an old television clown).  It cheers us when we are gray… missing you.  You’re just as fucked up as you’ve ever been!  If you were here right now, I’d fill your ears with Cole Porter then take you out back and give you the Bismarck you’ve always wanted.  We’re still waiting for you to swing your special gal on bi.  You have filled our lives with the fantastic cream-filled memories that the greenest money could never buy.  It’s a shame we have to plead with you via NOW IT’S DORK.  If we plead like little gals, will you come back?

For you, dear G., two inches is not enough… you deserve four.  Four fantastic inches extolling your “built-for-comfort” dynamic. 

It’s true you’re not a “gallery artist,” but we need to feel you shadowing us like a bird of prey as we do our quality custom framing or as we assemble our 50-dollar daily metal poster frame specials.

It’s true that life isn’t really a fairy tale, but let me tell you about my favorite fairy tale entitled “The Big, Wet Napkin.”  In the story, this readily available, super absorbent, and self-recycling napkin lends itself to clean up all kinds of accidents in the community.  Happy dribbles… sad puddles… embarrassing leaks.   Well… you’ve heard the rest of the story before.  I just want you to believe in fairy tales today, and let your sticky shame and your gooey guilt be soaked up by The Big, Wet Napkin and phlushed out the tube.

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