A series of these was originally published in 2003 in (now defunct?) local nightlife publication Now It’s Dark (https://nowitsdarkmag.tumblr.com/):
This two inches is sponsored by Semen-Off*, America’s leading brand of remover!
My mind, like Tupperware, needs to be tenderly burp-sealed before I cough up “two inches”. Who can do this for me, since I cannot do it for myself? I need the dissipated hands of an artistic gushing geyser to snap me into place and set me on ice. Unbeknownst to my favorite beacon of gray in a world of white, Tim Evans (who has suffered long and certainly with a hardness known only to Fazzino), it is he that I count on for this. Tim and Fazzino must be very similar to be so utterly different… but they both know how to handle Tupperware, helping to squeeze out AIR THAT SMELLS LIKE LEFTOVERS. I rub noses of consummation with both of them in my dreams; I am not ashamed. The point is, writing is sheer pain. Pain is sheer art. And sheer art and pain is what makes their art, my art, and NOW IT’S DARK. In this spumescent, bright, flat, and incontinent new era, I feel strong with the likes of Fazzino and Evans under my seat, (or even, dare I say, in my black box) guiding me into a filthy free zone of nuttworking
So, it is with this vainglorious joypain (and a sigh) that I put pen to paper and anticipate the dawning of the age of the solemn, soft-core jack pudding. Let us all pay homage to the plucky tin gods that clatter in our ears like exhaust fans at the Big Bear Warehouse. Let us give thanks to our ‘in the swim’ mayor… THUMBS UP, MIKE COL’AN! One day, it is my hope that the citizenry will wake up, along with me (and our great mayor), and say, “HEY… NOW IT’S DARK!”
… And then they’ll hit the snooze button and fall back into their dew kiss’d somnus.